What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 18:29
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Why did my ex move on so fast, we have only been broken up for 2 weeks?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Why did Obito, a supposed "bad person," do good things for Kakashi?
I was 9 years of age.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
What are some life hacks for living on your own?
I was scared of men, in general
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We were not on the streets..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
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Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I waited trembling.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Have you ever had sex with your female cousin? How did it start?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She was in good health!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
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He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
What did i know ?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My life is so biszare .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I have no regrets .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I said to her
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He resisted the act ,that day.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I could never make a relationship work though!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She found it foreign!.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was very sick at this time too.
She married twice! .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But it wasn’t much.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
This is soul school!.
I don,t even have a pension.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Comes on , in middle age.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
So, i spoilt her more .
He knew the spot.
Who then, do I blame.?
My family never makes their pension either.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Im still living with it.
But, we were locked up after school.
So whats the point in blame.
And i lived it daily.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I will be 64.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I think the readers, may guess!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I couldn’t, believe it.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Why did i forgive my father ?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
As i do to all so called friends.?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Where the ultimate outsiders.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
When she asked me how she looked .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But ive been too sick for many years..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
All the time i was locked up.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Put me off passion for life!!
I write beautiful poetry .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We all went to grammer schools
Would this be the day?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Ive learnt so much.
I was seconnd youngest,
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She loved him until the end.
I never cut or harmed myself..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
One cannot live in the past .
She wouldn,t have been !
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
It was going to be , some day.